Monday, May 18, 2009

How I Got Here

The Mayan calendar, i ching chronology, and our upcoming universe alignment all forced me to learn more about 2012. I was born in 1956 and I will be 56 in 2012. Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, and countless others throughout history have left us warnings and hints about the relevance of 2012. The sea floor bears witness to the earths magnetism reversing numerous times. Above ground rocks show as they cooled that north has rotated so perhaps we are coming to a point in our planets history where a magnetic reversal is eminent.

As I tried to wrap my head around all these implications I found myself for the first time really exploring my own mortality. I have always found comfort in understanding the cycle of nature when loved ones passed. I grieve, but understand we are just passing through nothing is permanent. Life on earth is so fragile and it wouldn't take much to alter the conditions necessary to sustain the current species. The elimination of the gulf stream, another massive asteroid hit, or the elimination of the protective magnetic shield are so real a possibility I find it hard to believe we are still here.

Maybe the earth would be a better place without humans, but since many of my friends and most of my relatives are humans I would hate to see the good ones perish. But would they? Are we just on earth? I'm getting ahead of myself. So all these dooms day thoughts filled my head and I began to take stock of my life. In many aspects my life is filled with good and great things. I live in America where women have about as much freedom as your going to find. My career has provided me with anything I wanted and certainly with more than what I needed. There are very few things I've ever wanted and not been able to have. I am lucky and have been blessed. Add hard work and my age to the equation and the result is quite impressive. My art studio has all the tool and supplies to support the many hobbies and skills I have both studied and shared through teaching over the years. I have an impressive group of friends that are so diverse and amazing I don't know what they see in me. I have an adequate amount of money from my first career and a stable and rewarding second career. Although my parents are long gone and a few relatives who choose to be gone, the rest of my family, which includes friends who have become family, are very close to me and the bond is unshakable. My husband and two animals comprise my immediate family. Really compared to so many on this planet in this century my life is amazing.

And yet, when I took stock of these things I found that I was OK with 2012 ending the world. Or this world. Or just my world. Somewhere in the course of acquiring all these possessions, skills, accomplishments, and friends I was without passion for life. I was bored by the idea that my life could last another 40 years. I'm not saying I welcomed death or wanted to hasten it, I just found myself ambivalent about it. I found this disheartening. My desire to learn to oil paint consumed me once and now with a studio of my dreams I lacked the passion to do it justice. What happened to the spirit that once pushed me to excel in so many aspects of my life. Am I only passionate when faced with adversity? Because I chose not to have children am I lacking the desire to survive.

I came to realize my life was all about me and I really wasn't that fulfilling to myself. I came to realize its not all about me and there is more to life than just oneself. Maybe 2012 wont end the world maybe it will just end the excessive years. Abundant food, inhabitable climate, and leisure endeavors could all come to an end replaced by daily survival in a hostile world. I also did the math and in under four years life as I know it could be over.

Looking back on my life instead of forward I realized how much of it was not just lost but wasted and looking forward I clearly saw changes were needed. So just after Christmas last year I made a few changes that would free me to make even more. I began reading and researching anything written about how the universe worked, earth history, psychic references and predictions, new age and eastern philosophy's. The need to become more spiritual came to the surface but my disappointment with Christian censorship, chauvinism and greed had pushed me away from the church. During my years in Asia I enjoyed visiting Buddhist temples and was a fan of their lack of dogma. Thanks to the ice storm I devoured a stack of books about Buddhism that inspired me. During the same period I began reading most of Sylvia Brown's books about life on the other side. By the time the ice melted and the first flowers announced spring, I had reconnected with the true message of Christ and began meditating embarking on a journey towards enlightenment, fulfillment and service to God. No kidding.

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